The last week seems to have just disappeared in a fog of sadness – I had several really bad days. For the first time in my life I find I can’t even bring myself to write – even responding to Lindsay’s daily text of encouragement seems a challenge some days.

We headed back up to the cabin last Thursday – Greg, Niko and I came home Wed afternoon  leaving Lucas to enjoy the hot tub (and the hot weather) on his own. Greg just headed back up – they will be home tomorrow night so they can do the MHAS Fun Run on Sunday. So far Lucas’s training consists of sleeping till 1pm, eating 40 dollars worth of candy from the Bulk Barn and soaking in the hot tub 4 times a day. I am sure he will do just fine !

There is now a “Team Jordan” that the Chartier’s and others have registered under, and Greg had some shirt thingies made  (not sure what to call it, they are like the numbers they give you to pin on only it is a picture of Jordan) – I will wear mine from the cheering section.

Venturing out in public still feels like navigating a mine field. I tried to sneak into the Co-op today to get more sleeping pills and heard my name shouted across the parking lot – SK (a nurse I have known for years) literally ran across the parking lot and enveloped me in her arms for a giant hug. Once we were done I wiped my face and managed to get to the pharmacy – where D the pharmacist (whose son went to school with Jordan and who has been with me every step of the last five years of medications and treatment regimes) also gave a giant hug. It’s lovely to be so cared for – but exhausting too.

I have been pretty much a hermit. I just felt so miserable that I could not imagine subjecting anyone else to me. Nor did I think I could handle a social encounter. But last week we loaded ourselves into the car to visit some good friends at Waskesiu and found ourselves actually enjoying a supper with them. And then today K dropped by with a care package and an iced coffee and after she left I found myself feeling better. So I am resolved to reach out more and to try and have some human contact (besides the dudes I live with) on a more regular basis.

My next goal is to try and make it in to see my management team – I just couldn’t do it this week – will try again next week. I finally started on the thank you cards yesterday – there are LOTS to write and it was weighing on my mind.

I start counselling on Tuesday – am trying to keep an open mind. Still trying to figure out the correct response to “How are you”. If I say “OK” people know I am lying. If I say “I feel like I will die from grief” people kind of run away. I just read about someone who turned the word “fine” into an acronym for “f…ed up, insecure, neurotic and exhausted”. I am thinking “fine” will be my standard response for awhile.

Jordan would have turned 24 today. We began his birthday as we have so many times over the years – lying in the dark on the deck at the cabin, watching the Perseid meteorite shower; heaven’s annual birthday gift to our boy. But no matter how many shooting stars we wished on tonight – not a one will make our wish come true. Missing you desperately. Love you Forever.

I don’t think I have ever been so tired and yet so unable to sleep. I am sitting out on the deck in the dark. My poor sweet dog is curled up beside me- he has been so sad and mournful today. We are listening to Jann Arden’s ” Hanging by a Thread” and having a little cry.

I have struggled all afternoon to find a word to describe today’s experience. Wonderful. Horrible. Satisfying. Sad. Final. Cathartic.

Today at the funeral home we said our final goodbyes. Everyone brought a private note to place with Jordan. Someone brought flowers to tuck under his hands. We brought his favourite hat, Niko’s first collar and leash, the letter telling him he made Dean’s list. Letters we had written to him over the years. A picture of Jordan and I taken about an hour after he was born. I borrowed Lindsay’s copy of Robert Munsch’s ” Love You Forever”, read it to him one last time and placed it on his heart.

We then carefully wrapped him in the sheet, placed the lid on the wooden box and nailed it shut.

Everyone was then invited to write and draw messages of love and remembrance on the coffin. We then joined hands and circled him for one final prayer.

And  then the three of us wrapped our arms around each other and cried our  hearts out.

I am so proud of Lucas. He has been there every minute. He helped lift his  brother from the table to the box. He has never left my side. He seems to  have aged 5 years this week.

I think Jordan would have been pleased; a simple wooden box and then into the  flames – just like the Vikings.  It seemed so right to do it this way – comforting somehow. At the end I  knew Jordan wasn’t there anymore – I could not feel his spirit and I felt  a small degree of peace.  I like to imagine that he and Paulette are  sitting by a lake somewhere, having some tea and a long talk.

Tuesday can’t come soon enough

One of the many gifts we have received in the wake of Jordan’s death, is this beautiful email and photo from our neighbors at the lake. I can’t even begin to describe the peace and comfort it brought, and continues to bring, to us.

Dear Greg, Lori and Lucas,

Your family has not left our thoughts for more than a few passing moments since Diane and Duncan told us the awful news about Jordan. Duncan told me this afternoon that you would try to come up to the lake on Wednesday, but we will have left for Calgary by then, so I wanted to take this opportunity to tell you what we saw in and of Jordan last weekend.

On Saturday at 5:30, Aidan called us as we were leaving the block party and said “There’s a guy on Lori and Greg’s deck. It looks like Jordan but with really short hair.” I said “Well, it’s probably Jordan with a haircut.” Mike and I came home a few minutes later with Diane, and met Jordan on the driveway. He smiled a warm smile and Diane said “You must have got your car running!” He replied that “Dad worked his magic.” Diane asked him if he’d be up for the rest of the weekend and he said he would, so I said “Let me know if you need anything” and Diane said “Come over for whatever you might need.” Jordan replied “I think I’ll be okay, but I might stop by for a beer with Duncan later.” Diane said “You’re welcome anytime! Just come on over!”

Our kids had bike ramps all over the driveway loop, and Aidan had joined us on the driveway by this time and I said to Jordan “I hope you made it around the jumps okay!” He looked at Aidan and said “I just about took your jump in my car, but I was worried about the air I’d get!” Aidan laughed, and so did Jordan.

The weather on Saturday was around 20 degrees, and there was a slight breeze, but it was nice enough to sit outside. Jordan was out on the front deck sitting in a chair, then he sat on the dock for a while and later he took a walk down the beach.  Mike chatted with Jordan when he came back from his walk, and told him about the hot tub hauling project the next day. Jordan told Mike he’d come and help.

On Sunday morning it was bright and sunny, with a few clouds in the sky. I was out sweeping off the deck and Jordan was sitting on the deck with a blue thermos of coffee – I think he got it from Moe earlier that morning. I said good morning to him and he said it back, again with that small warm smile. At 10 am we started the process to move the hot tub from the back of our cabin to the front lawn. Jordan came over and helped build the ramp we used to get Duncan and Diane’s quad (pulling the boat trailer with the tub) over our deck pathway. He carried wood from under our deck and your deck to support the sheets of plywood that the quad drove over. He worked with us for about 30 minutes getting everything ready, and then with me held back tree branches as Mike drove the quad through the trees between your cabin and ours. He and I talked about your hot tub getting all set up, saying “Dad finally got the hot tub fixed up!” He seemed excited that it was up and running and told me hot tubs were community bath tubs!

Midway through the hot tub hauling, the ramp started to give, so Jordan sprinted for more planks to support the plywood ramp. My dad was carrying one of the large heavy log posts from under our deck and Jordan said “I’ll take that one.” He and my dad fixed the ramp and the quad made it onto the lawn. He was laughing with me at all of the “supervisors” giving advice on how best to get the job done — between me, my dad, my brother Jason, Diane, Duncan, Murray, Murray’s son-in-laws and Mike, there were plenty of ideas!

Once the boat trailer with the hot tub loaded on top was on the lawn, we had to get it onto the deck that Mike built to support it. Everyone had a theory for how best to move it. Jordan finally said “There are quite a few of us here. Why don’t we just try lifting it?” And that’s how it made it’s way from the trailer onto the deck. Jordan and Mike and my brother were on one side, Murray, my dad and Murray’s son in laws on the other side. They heaved it up onto the deck and then they shimmied it around and pushed it in. Jordan suggested that Mike notch out another small portion of the deck to further slide the tub in, and that’s what he did and it fit perfectly. Mike told me after that Jordan’s shoulder had popped out while pushing the tub in and Mike was alarmed, Jordan said “Oh, it does this all the time! I just pop it back in!” He told Mike that he was long boarding down a hill earlier that week and took a big spill, his shoulder had popped out then and he’d popped it back in.

We then had to get the boat trailer off the front lawn and back into the backyard. Mike and Diane were going to try and pull it back with the quad, and my dad said “I’ll just pull it out” and Jordan said “No, I’ll take it.” He walked over to the trailer, took it from my dad, and dragged the trailer to the back yard. Diane and I were commenting to him that he was stronger than all of the old guys on the lawn – he used one arm to take the trailer back! He came back to the ramped area and started cleaning up the planks and lumber, and made sure to get the heavy pieces before my dad had a chance to touch them. In all honesty, he seemed intent on making sure that my dad did not have heavy work to do. He seemed worried about him carrying and lifting. He had a very kind heart. He knew which lumber belonged where, several times saying where the planks had come from. We thanked him profusely, as he truly did so much to help get the hot tub in place. He said “No problem! I’m happy to help!”

Not long after, Jordan walked down the beach in his bare feet, and returned a couple of hours later with a big loaf of bread.  He was outside on the deck for a while and then left in his car for a few hours. We went to my mom and dad’s for supper and by the time we came back his car was there. At my mum and dad’s cabin, my dad kept going on about what a great help Jordan was, and said that not many kids his age pitch in like he did. He was very impressed with Jordan, we all were.

The evening was warm and calm. Around 8:30, the sky was that perfect lavender and Jordan was out sitting and standing at the end of the dock again. I was down on the dock with Mike cleaning up the water toys from the boat. Jordan smiled at me and he looked happy and relaxed, by now he was sitting in the boat. The air had calmed by then, and it was a lovely night. Thankfully the mosquitoes have really declined over the last two weeks, so sitting outside was comfortable.

That evening the stars were bright. Jordan was out on the deck having a smoke when I tidied up the deck at around 10. I said “Have a good night Jordan” and he said “You too.” He couldn’t have missed seeing the stars, they were so bright that to miss them was impossible.

When I put the kids to bed at 11 there was a small light on in your living room. By the time I went to bed at midnight, the light was turned off. When I got up in the morning, Jordan had left.

He seemed peaceful and relaxed this weekend. There was no indication that anything was wrong. We don’t know Jordan very well, but he’s always been very friendly, and offered the sweetest smiles to me and the kids. We can’t begin to imagine the pain you are all feeling, and the anguish at not having had the weekend with him at the lake. He really seemed to be just where he needed to be, and his moments sitting out on the dock seemed to be filled with peace.

I was so impressed with Jordan this weekend, and at the RM meeting. He spoke so eloquently during the meeting, and when he and I went up after the meeting and stood in line to speak with the Reeve, he was chatty. He said to the Reeve something like “I really don’t understand why you would ignore the advice of an international expert in drainage. It doesn’t make sense!” He was obviously a proud son. His kindness toward my dad will be something I never forget. It is rare to meet someone so young who is so tuned into the physical limits of older people. I’m not exaggerating when I say he shadowed my dad the entire morning we worked to move the tub.

We sincerely hope that the lake remains a place of peace for all of you.  I carefully looked at your beach, and his foot prints are in the sand walking up to your dock. I’ve taken photos of them for you. I hope they are still here when you come up this week.

Your tribute to him is beautiful. You raised a lovely lovely son, and he will be missed by all of the lake neighbours. Duncan and Diane are shell shocked. The pain we all feel for your family is tremendous and we will be praying for your peace.

Take good care.

With love,

Tasha and Mike