Mom is recovering well from her surgery other than continued pain in the rib area. Her family doctor told her she is not taking enough pain medication and I agree – the muscles and ligament around the ribs are likely stretched and pulled and it can be very painful and take a while to heal. As I know full well after my graceless catastrophe in Ottawa a few years ago.

When I called the intake coordinator at the Cancer Clinic on Monday they thought it would be yet another 3 or 4 weeks before we got in – but we got a call today to see the radiation oncologist (Dr. Kr) next week (Sept 20^th). We will get another date to see the medical oncologist and after both consultations are complete we get to discuss our options. Both Mom and Dad seem to be managing the stress and fear fairly well.

Jordan’s lithium levels are finally at the therapeutic level. He is still feeling depressed, and still self-medicating his depression with herbs, but we can see some positive changes. He just stopped by my desk and smiled and joked with me. I was sitting here trying to remember when I last had a natural conversation with him or when I last saw a real smile transform his beautiful face – was gob smacked to realize it has been at least two, possibly three years. Made me think of Anna Nalick’s song “Breathe”:

 “But, my God, it’s so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I’ll just sing about it.
Cause you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, girls,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe… just breathe”

Lucas appears intent on becoming the next President of Sobey’s. I have begged him to stop bringing home ice cream (FYI its two for one sale again tomorrow). Yesterday he brought home a box of the new Krave cereal from Kellogg’s (chocolate cereal with chocolate centers). Double the sugar of Golden Grahams. Don’t even ask about sodium. Shouldn’t it be against the law to market it as breakfast cereal versus a cookie?

Greg is likely to be heading off to Cairo for a month of consulting work sometime in October. We both want to see Petra so I am hoping I can join him at the end of his contract. Depends what happens with Bahrain contract. And the violence in the Middle East – there is a travel advisory on for Cairo right now thanks to that idiot and his hateful YouTube movie.

 In an effort to keep everyone else from stressing over me, I contacted EFAP and went to see a counsellor on Friday. I truly did not see the need – I do not feel stressed. And on the days that it gets overwhelming I talk to my friends. And I write emails (which the counsellor says is a form of journaling and therapeutic). But I began to wonder if perhaps I was in a fugue state like Walter White on Breaking Bad and that I wasn’t able to see that I was getting ready to fall apart. You never know – best to get a second opinion.

 I confess I didn’t find it that helpful. The counsellor was very nice lady who nodded politely and then handed me a little post it note with a “to do” list on my way out. “Take time for yourself”, “reduce your workload”, “get sleep”. D’uh.

 Afterwards I was very disappointed in myself for not laying out on the couch in her office with my hand on my forehead. How could I have missed the opportunity to live out a cliché? The best part of the session was watching her eyes get bigger and bigger as I listed off the various scenes from the soap opera that is my life. Rapid cycling psychotic child, mother with lung cancer, friend with brain thingy, friend with cancer – twice, kid with undiagnosed learning disorder which put him through his own bout with depression, husband working in foreign countries for months at a time, my crushing workload.

When I list it all out like that it almost makes me hysterical – it is too bizarre to be true.  

Perhaps she diagnosed me as a pathological liar?

 I am good, really. My BP is fine, keeping close eye on blood sugar, limiting my wine to one glass a day. Granted it is a BIG glass of wine…   

 And that’s all that’s new for me. Heading off to the lake tomorrow after a quick meeting at 8:30 so I can enjoy the 28 degree sunshine. The temperature drops quickly after Friday but I don’t mind – I was thinking I might just try and sleep all day Saturday! And breathe…just breathe.

Eston farm girls are hardy stock. Up with a walker, sitting in the patient lounge, blowing into her spirometer like there is a prize if the ball hits the top. Let me tell ya – epidural morphine is God’s gift to the post op patient.  I told her I was pretty disappointed that they gave her an epidural as it robbed me of my Shirley McLain moment from Terms of Endearment; I so wanted to run down the hall and bang my fists on the nursing station screaming ” Give my mother her morphine!”

She was not amused.

She spent the day observing the antics of a challenging patient who apparently brought in her own narcotics and was really really angry that nursing would not let her take them. Screaming obscenities at staff, security called in. ” Better than a soap opera” said my mom.

She woke up from the anesthetic with a tremendous appetite.  I brought up two donuts from Tim’s   “in case you get hungry tonight”. She literally ripped the bag out of my hand and stuffed a donut in her mouth. Well all righty then.

She has her glasses, her teeth, and her beloved crossword book so our services are no longer required. ” No point in sitting here staring at me” she said. Yes ma’am I replied and exited stage right 🙂

She is a little pissed that she has lung cancer. And a little surprised as she was feeling perfectly healthy up till now. “Are you sure I have lung cancer?” she asked the surgeon when he made rounds. “It’s not like I feel the urge to run across Canada”. Ah yes, as I have learned with my own boys, sarcasm is a hereditary trait.

For the second time in my life a physician began a conversation with the words “I’m sorry but I have bad news for you”. And just like when Dr. Sankaaran came to tell me about Lucas 19 years ago, the world went silent and still.

My mom’s biggest fear has been that she would not wake up from surgery and I glanced at the clock, saw it had only been an hour (versus the predicted 3 hours) and had a few heart stopping seconds where I thought her nightmare had come true. By the time my head caught up with the conversation I had to ask the surgeon to start all over.

It turns out the lung cancer was more invasive than the scans revealed. The tumour is well into the chest wall but more significantly, it has wrapped itself around the superior vena cava (one of the large blood vessels going into the heart). Not a place you want to be slicing through with a scalpel. So they beat a fast retreat.

 And now we are onto Plan B – referral to Cancer Center for possible radiation and/or chemo. Or worse – to be told those aren’t even options. She still has a chest tube and epidural so will be in Obs unit tonight and in hospital for a few days. Can’t start any other treatment till she has recovered from the surgery so we are focused on that.

 Everyone is pretty upset – it was a bit of a surprise to say the least. But Dr. B was great. He showed us the CT Scan and carefully walked us through everything and explained why they could not tell on the CT or PET that this was going to be the situation. I still say the decision to do surgery was the right one based on what we knew – but mom and dad are distressed that they can’t move onto treatment now till she has recovered from the surgery. Dr. B was so compassionate; he took his time walking us through the images and the surgery and he shook my Dad’s hand and apologised for having to deliver such bad news.

My parents have been together for almost 55 years. They don’t have a lot of close friends, don’t hang out with their siblings; their world is truly just the two of them. Dealing with surgeons and PET scans is easy. The hardest part of all of this is watching the two of them holding hands, trying to be so brave for each other.

Hey Greg. According to the World Clock its 3:00 pm in Sydney. Sorry I missed your Skype call. I just got home from Wicked – it was absolutely amazing. I cried with joy three times. It is the first show where I left the theater wanting to go back and see it the next night. Wow. Worth every dime.

Jordan is brighter today and talking more – the effects of his binge are wearing off. He got up and out of the house to be at your parents by 1000.  

The appointment with BB went better than I expected. He was actually quite gentle and kind with Jordan and I could see that Jordan was emotional at a few points. BB offered to see him again. Told him about a supported recovery living situation in North Battleford. Offered him a part time job on a ranch working with horses (Jordan declined). Asked him if he knew how to drywall (no). I think Jordan is too scared to conduct an actual job hunt and doesn’t want a job he is not familiar with. He wants the comfort of the concrete crew but acknowledges he can’t physically do it. BB said just start something – you can always quit.

 BB reviewed all the AA meetings and highlighted some that had lots of young people. He told Jordan all he had to do was go and sit. No expectations to participate.

BB raised the grim statistics again – 80% will fail and die. He commented that he felt you looked shocked by that statement last week. I said I could not comment on how you may have felt, but I did share with Jordan that Sunday night you expressed your fear that we were going to lose him, that he would die and there was nothing we could do about it. Jordan got very teary.

 Jordan told BB he struggled at Edgewood because he really could not connect. That he had no idea what to say to people, nor did he have any feelings. Dr. A says that is true, when you are depressed you really don’t have any feelings or emotions.

 I told Jordan over and over that we were not kidding. That he could not live here if he did not put a recovery process in place. I asked him if he was in denial, or being an asshole and he said he truly had no idea what we expected him to do. I said I would not dictate to him. He had to choose. That it could be seeing BB again, seeing someone else, going to meetings, calling an alumni. But that by tommorow night he had to have made some decisions.

 We had our usual 15 minute session with Dr. A and M where they were all absolutely delighted with his improvement. He did confess the relapse and the fact that he was only taking 1mg of Respiridon but no one seemed too concerned. What a waste of time.

Lucas’s passport arrived today 🙂 we will get the visa tommorow.

 It is 1116 PM and I am still wired from the show. Niko is crying most pathetically. I may have to cave in and let him sleep on the bed. Hope things are going well.

Edgewood is just as pictured on website video. Wood and slate and lots of light, surrounded by cedars and evergreens. The bedrooms look like Elkridge – blonde oak, plaid bedspreads, bright windows. Group rooms are calm and intimate. Exercise room has floor to ceiling windows that look onto a tree filled ravine. Cafeteria is bright and beautiful with 24 access to coffee, juice, water. Beautiful outdoor patio area for secure smoking. Central nursing station with 24 hour coverage so no one gets by unnoticed.

A counsellor picked us up at the airport ( thank goodness as the cab ride back was $45 dollars!). Another counsellor met Jordan at the door, shook his hand, told him it took a lot of courage to step through the door and they were proud of him for taking that step. Jordan got a little misty and swallowed hard a few times. They put us in the chapel for our goodbyes. I got a long, firm, two armed hug and an ” I love you” and then he was gone.

I paid the bill, got a tour, asked lots of questions. Lots of rules and structure. I like that he has a roommate as he needs to work on social skills and they pair them with someone further along so they can offer support. We will have regular contact with counsellor and will participate in treatment plan.

I remain guarded in my ability to hope, but am more optimistic than I was yesterday. He got brighter as we travelled and did not hesitate at all. It is the right place for him, I just hope it is the right time.

 I played Amazing Race with Air Canada agent and will be home slightly earlier (7:30 instead of 1100). Although  it seems inappropriate given the purpose of the day, I intend to have a giant glass of wine when I finally get home. Or two.

John Lennon was a very smart man. I honestly don’t think I would have found the strength to cope with the last couple of weeks if I hadn’t had this wall of unwavering love and support to hold me up.

Tonight I was sitting in my car, parked by the lake, staring out at the dark Okanagan night  and feeling very sorry for myself  when Karen called. At first I said no, I really appreciate the offer, I’ll be fine on my own, yadda yadda yadda… and then it suddenly dawned on me how truly lucky I was to be loved so much by so many and so I said yes… tell Paulette to come… and then I sat weeping with gratitude.

I am not sure how you repay someone for getting up at the crack of dawn to catch a flight, only to get off the plane and spend another two days in a noisy, smelly, unairconditioned wreck with spotty radio coverage. Not to mention having to spend the time in the company of a woman who is beginning to look more and more like a resident of the psych unit rather than a visitor. But I will think of something. And I know she brings all of you in spirit.

Thank  you all.

 When someone allows you to bear his burdens, you have found deep friendship

Yesterday started off OK. I went in to the hospital in the morning to get the chart sent to Saskatoon (the intake meeting for the EPIP program is next Tuesday), set up a discharge planning meeting for Friday morning, figured we were making progress. Till I got called by Jordan to come back to the hospital – the doctor wanted to see me.

During the interview Jordan (who was very angry that he wasn’t being discharged today, which probably lowered his guard)had  revealed to the doctor that of course they were listening to all the patients – how else did the nurses know about conversations they weren’t part of? And police had come to the unit every day since he had been there. And they tried to make him make a call to Saskatoon just the day before – ask Ron the nurse – he was part of it. And I don’t understand why you are saying it’s not happening mom, you know they are following you, why else would you drive the way you do? When I said I was not being followed, he continued to press the issue – demonstrating the way that cops talk into their cell phones, that’s how you know they are cops. And our house really was raided, just call Adam and tell him Jordan said it was OK to tell the truth. And on and on.

I can live with him not gaining insight into his original delusion. The fact that the paranoia is continuing (although he seems quite matter of fact about it rather than terrified) has me extremely worried and upset. I knew that he wasn’t quite right, that there seemed to be some underlying anxiety going on… but hearing him express it so matter of factly was like a body punch.

I think I slept a whole 2 hours last night.

We are trying a new drug (started last night). I can’t remember the name – it’s another anti psychotic that is supposed to have a better effect on anxiety.

Jordan is being compliant – but not without a huge fight with the doctor about it. He doesn’t understand why they can’t just see how he does with no drug. That he hates the way the drug makes him feel – he can’t even read a book and the restlessness is driving him crazy. 

I think the primary reason we are trying a new drug is that the staff too were concerned about his restlessness – he had to be in perpetual motion. They let him out on pass by himself and I am sure he walked a total of 8 hours on Sunday. If he’s not walking, he’s in the back yard doing push ups and yoga. And eating. And eating. And smoking. And not sleeping well, even with a sleeping pill. What concerned me when I read his diary is that he admitted to getting lost while out on pass and having to ask directions, that he is approaching strangers to talk, and bum cigarettes. When I took him out for supper the other night he just blurted stuff out to the waiter. The content wasn’t inappropriate, just the timing of it. He is still impulsive. I worry for his safety when he is out alone.

I think the hardest moments are when I catch glimpses of my Jordan. He is so kind to the other patients, he is polite and respectful to the staff, everyone tells me what a wonderful young man he is. And every once in a while he throws me one of his beautiful, face changing smiles and I feel like my heart will break.

Jordan is beside himself that he isn’t getting discharged any time soon. They agreed to let him continue passes on his own, but limited them to one hour. He wants to know why he can’t get moved to a Saskatoon hospital. I think that is a very good question. I want to move him as well. He tells me he realizes he would need to go into hospital and he agrees to do so. I am pretty sure he is sincere. The staff here continue to resist that idea, stating he isn’t stable enough. Greg wants him away from Saskatoon as well. The reality is he’s 20 and certified so it’s not my call.

I am flying home on Saturday. I have been out of my office since the end of July and I need to get back to work. I find myself unable to concentrate here and the stress of that is piling up.  I need to see Lucas. I need a break from this drama before I have a heart attack. Greg wants me to drive Jordan’s car home – I said no. First of all, its a piece of shit. But more importantly that would be 2 days lost – not spent with Jordan, and not spent at home. I’m not sure when Greg is coming back or how he is getting here. He is talking about bringing my vehicle so he can bring some bikes. It is very likely I will need to find the strength to get on a plane and leave Jordan here alone.

I feel so sad and worn out today. I am beyond tears. I know you will want to pick up the phone and call me – but I really need a break from talking about it – can you give me a day of trying to pretend nothing is wrong?