It’s 5 pm here in Penticton. And dare I say it out loud… it’s been a good day.

Thursday ended very badly – with Jordan bolting on me during a pass. He did respond to my hysterical screams and return, and still claims he “was only going for a swim”, but he nearly did me in. So I expected Friday to be hard. And it was. Once he learned we would not be going on pass he was really angry and asked me to leave, but suggested I should probably come back in the evening. And then he went out in the grassy back yard and did yoga to calm down (which I thought was a good strategy). We spent a quiet evening playing solitaire and talking about the fact that he was never going to be released till he started having some honest, truthful conversations with the nursing staff. I reassured him that he did not have to be perfect in order to have us take him home – but he did need to have reached the point where he was talking openly about his feelings and his fears. That he wasn’t at the goddamn spa and no one believed him when he stated “It’s great here. staff are great, food is great, everyone is nice”. That it was perfectly OK to talk about how much he hated being locked up or any weird thoughts he might be having.

I think the meds have finally kicked in. I agreed to try a walk along the creek again this morning (which took more courage than I honestly thought I had in me). And I agreed to consider a second walk if I returned to find that he had had a talk with his nurse. I returned at 2:30 to be greeted by the sight of Jordan in his street clothes, literally twitching with anticipation of a car ride. I was the one who needed a therapeutic session with his nurse before we departed. She said it seemed punitive to continue witholding his clothes, that it was a sign of trust on their part, that it was entirely up to me but she felt he could go for a drive. So off we went after a frank discussion about how anxious I was and what the rules would be. We spent an hour touring the Naramata vinyard area and returned in one piece.

He is talking to the nursing staff. Letting them read his journal. I don’t see any signs of paranoia. I think there is likely still some manipulation and masking going on but I have to confess my hopes are rising.

I am doing OK. I thought I’d be anxious once Greg left, but having only me to worry about has actually reduced my stress level. And I am no longer carrying the burden of worrying about Lucas. I do find I have very little resilience left. It only takes the most insignificant obstacle (like discovering I had no windshield wiper while I was driving in the rain) and the smallest kindness to make the tears flow.

 Everyone here is from Saskatchewan. From the mechanic at G&C Automobile service who fixed the wiper and charged me a whole 5 bucks, to the man on the esplanade yesterday who turned out to be from Saskatoon, who stopped to say he had noticed me in the water for a long time – had I enjoyed my swim? At least 1/3 of the nurses on the unit are from Saskatchewan. I find it hard to believe it is simply coincidence and not some sort of serendipity.

It was hot hot hot here yesterday so I took some time to float in the lake and lounge by the pool. Floating in water is very therapeutic. I am glad I took the time to enjoy the weather as it is cool and rainy today.

 Assuming we continue down this postive path – tommorow’s agenda will likely include a drive to Naramata (to walk in the meditation labrynth) and then we are going to hunker down in front of the big screen TV and cheer the Riders to victory.

 Your phone messages, text messages and emails truly sustain me. I feel your love and support and it helps me put one foot in front of the other. When this is over (or at least this stage of the drama is over) you can all come and christen my new back yard with a couple of pitchers of Beergarita’s. I intend to get shit faced and to finally allow myself a good cry.

 I hope you are all enjoying the weekend.

 Go Riders!

My kid ran on me last night.

We have been taking thirty minute walks outside the hospital. I agreed to try an hour and to take him for a drive. We walked on the beach of Skaha Lake and he seemed OK. Then he started to get a little agitated, said “I am going to walk over there” and took off quickly. Me hobbling in pursuit. He darted into a private yard and was gone. It took me maybe 90 seconds to spot him – stripped down to his pajama bottoms and walking off into the sunset. The deck of the house ended right in the water, tree roots to climb over etc. I just kept screaming his name and begging him to stop. I think I may have screamed that he needed to stop – he was giving me a heart attack (which wasn’t far from the truth). And thanks to God or Allah or the patron saint of the insane and mothers, he stopped and came back. Was very angry with me. Wasn’t trying to run. Just wanted to go for a swim. I guess I should be grateful he was with it enough to respond to my voice and to get into the car and return to the hospital.

Jesus Fucking Christ. The terror I felt during those few minutes where I couldn’t find him.

I told the staff when we got back, so no more passes. Greg was good about it but I know he thinks this wouldn’t have happened if he had been there.

Yet another psychiatrist today. Honestly, he is getting no treatment what so ever other than Respiradol twice a day and being kept secure. He’s not even talking to me now. All he does all day is smoke and hang out with all the other crazy people. I am going to push hard for a medical transport back to Saskatoon today. Maybe his health plan covers it.

I am OK. Slept better than I expected to after the “incident”.

The subject line is for my benefit. Each day now I take a piece of paper and write “Today’s date is ….” and then follow it with an extremely detailed to do list…

Check out of hotel. Make sure you pay.

Brush your teeth.

Make sure clothes are clean.

Jordan isn’t the only one having trouble with short term memory.

I hear it’s supposed to get to 31 today in Saskatoon. Figures… the kids are back at school. We are finally getting a break from the heat here, woke up to cool breezes and cloudy skies. Thank goodness. Spent yesterday in Jordan’s unairconditioned vehicle, loading it, unloading it, groceries, running errands. I was a sopping wet, red faced rag by the end of the day. I do like driving stick again though – you can get rid of a lot of aggression shifting gears and revving the engine.

Jordan got three 30 minute passes yesterday. There is a walking path alongside a creek right beside the hospital, so that’s where we headed. Right in the heat of the midday sun.

 I took in his Mac laptop and my iPod last evening and he very happily deleted all my “crap top 40” music and moved 2,000 of his favorite songs on to it instead. He spent an hour and a half working on it; playing me songs, talking about the Regina Folk Festival. It was the most “normal” he has looked and sounded in a long time. Of course he still has to throw in a few zingers to keep life interesting (a lady in a pink bathrobe who was desperately trying to escape from the unit is actually an undercover cop trying to get out with the evidence). It is so bizarre.

I am now a resident of the Tiki Shores motel. Bedroom, bathroom, kitchenette. Right on Lakeshore Drive so I can see the lake and feel the breezes. My cell phone doesn’t seem to work that well in the room (I am sure Jordan would have an excellent explanation for that) so if you need me, try the land line.

Greg called the minute he got home – full of regrets about leaving Penticton. I am hoping a couple of hot days at the cabin in the company of Lucas will re-energize him.

 Talk to you soon.

I am not sure where the time goes. It certainly doesn’t feel like we are accomplishing anything yet time disapears. I cannot believe it is September.

 Just watched Greg drive off in the rental car – back to Kelowna and a flight home. In the end we never really did discuss who would go, Greg just started talking about going home. And he needs to. It has been a VERY long week for him – he was the one who got here first, dealt with the RCMP, dealt with the impound lot and Jordan’s car, and saw our son at his scariest crazy self in emergency. He is exhausted and almost incoherent (I made the mistake of pointing that out yesterday – yikes).

 It was very hard for him to leave. I think his biggest fear is that I won’t be brave enough to take Jordan out on pass and that will make things worse for Jordan.

 We finally met with the regular psychiatrist yesterday (Tuesday) morning at 0730. One psychiatrist for the entire region. He was still there admitting patients at 9 PM last night – poor man. He didn’t actually see Jordan till about 6 pm last night. He bumped the Respiradol up to 2 mg which should tell you all you need to know about our lack of progress.

Greg spent Monday with the RCMP – getting to meet Constable McKinnon who was the officer who transported Jordan to hospital. He was able to give Greg more information on where they found Jordan (and where his stuff might be). He actually called the search dogs out – saying they always need practice – to help look. Still no luck though. Greg is distraught as we have had two nights of rain now. He knows that a skateboard and iPod is just stuff – but I think he thought if he found it it would be a sign that everything would be OK. Turns out the area we were searching in the other day is full of rattlesnakes, black widow spiders and poison ivy. Greg is lucky to have come out of his bush walk unscathed!

It’s another beautiful sunny day here. When it all gets to be too much for me I just go and float in the pool or sit by the lake and pretend I am on holidays. It helps a little.  

Today is moving day. My sister found us a one bedroom kitchenette at the Tiki Shores Beach Resort for $650 for the month. Even if we aren’t here a month it is still a deal – we figure it will have paid for itself after the first 6 nights.  I have a jam packed day here in lovely Penticton. Canadian Tire at 0900 to put two new tires on Jordan’s car (I have had to learn how to drive a stick again). Then to a drugstore to get my prescriptions refilled. Then check out of Days Inn, visit Jordan, get groceries, check in to Tiki Shores, visit Jordan… hmmmm no wonder the days disappear.

I am hoping to be able to get into a routine tommorow of working in the morning and visiting Jordan in the afternoon (the longest part of the day for him). Back to the motel for a walk or swim and than return  to visit him in the evening. So far he wants us there all the time so we are trying to find a good balance.

Jordan has good days and bad days. Yesterday was a bad one, really anxious and agitated.  Greg agreed to take him outside for a walk for 30 minutes (there is a creek and walking path along the hospital property). They ended up staying out for an hour but he had no problems coming back in. And Jordan did seem better when they came back.

The staff remain optimistic and say that this roller coaster is to be expected. I fully expect that as his brain function improves and he starts to remember things he is going to be very distraugh. And as the reality of his situation sinks in (i.e. he is going to need months of follow up) in terms of school and travel plans he is likely going to get depressed. I just want to time travel to last September and redo the whole year.

It’s Sunday. Five days since the RCMP called. Four days since he went into treatment. It feels like weeks. The last time I felt this sad and overwhelmed was when Lucas was in NICU.

Just got back from doing a couple of loads of laundry. Walking through the courtyard, feeling the warmth of the sun, looking at the scenery – I had this sudden sensation that we were back on our trip to Australia. Just desperate wishful thinking. Although the area looks very much like New Zealand – especially near Summerland – perhaps that is why Jordan felt it was a safe place to stop.

On Friday we were feeling pretty fragile and took a couple of hours off in the afternoon and went for a swim in the lake. Friday evening Jordan was able to remember some of the details of what happened in Summerland and tried to tell us where his stuff was hidden. He also shared all his conspiracy theories and delusions – it’s exhausting listening to it but the nurse says it’s a good sign that he trusts us.

Saturday – Jordan flushed, high BP, puking, high pulse (the nurse told him it was 250 – Jordan said “I’d be dead if my heart rate was 250″). I am imagine he is detoxing. Greg spent the  morning trying to find a new rim and tire for Jordan’s car – it looks like he drove on a flat tire for a very long time. In a rare moment of lucidity when Greg asked him about the tire, he recounted not knowing it was flat and “almost flipping” a couple of times. There were so many ways this whole thing could have gone a different, tragic way.

We phoned the tow truck company and they contacted the land owner who agreed to let us contact her Saturday afternoon. We were able to travel to the acreage and thank her in person for contacting the RCMP. It was really hard to hear her describe how desperately afraid he seemed. She let us search the property and Greg spent 2 hours up to his butt in a muddy creek battling thistles but with no luck.

Jordan was really agitated last night, desperate to share his paranoia with us. We decided that a day away from him was likely good for everyone. And Greg wanted to get out and watch the Ironman. Imagine our surprise when at 1000 Sunday Jordan called us, announcing that he had seen the psychiatrist and had a 2 hour pass, come and get him.

I phoned the unit to speak to the physician. “You seem concerned about the pass” said the doctor. Yes, I replied. We are having trouble understanding how we went from raving lunatic last night to out on unsupervised pass this morning. I said we would need to come in and spend some time with Jordan before we agreed to take him out. Two minutes into our visit the nurse cancelled the pass. We have had a different nurse every shift and a different doctor everyday. A perfect situation for Jordan to use his brains and charm to snow the staff.

 Of course I am now the bad guy. Greg desperately wanted to believe that he was ready for a pass, felt that spending a couple of hours watching the triathlon would have done him a world of good. Jordan made it perfectly clear that I had “fucked everything up” and that I was “seriously jeopardizing his chances of getting out”. And what is worse, is that it appears that the physician hung up from talking to me and then confronted Jordan with all the things he had learned from me. Up to this point, Greg and I are the only ones Jordan was revealing his delusions to. If we have lost that trust I am not sure what we will do.

 Anyway, since I am in everyone’s doghouse, I am staying home tonight and Greg is going for a visit after he cheers our friend Bruce Gordon across the finish line of the Ironman.

 We have asked for a team conference tomorrow. We need to make decisions about how long to rent for, if we are going to transfer him to Saskatoon, etc. etc. One of us will be taking the 5 pm flight out of Kelowna on Tuesday night – not sure how we decide which of us will leave first. Leaving feels like failure, staying feels like torture.

 Lucas is a trooper. He had a great time at Andrew’s birthday party, fell in love with Karen’s new puppy, and talked Grandma into making him waffles from scratch this morning.  Michelle is making sure he has lunch stuff and is spending the night tonight. This is the first time in 15 years that I have not seen my son off to the first day of school. Lots of mother guilt there I’ll tell you.

 I think there are glimmers of hope if I look really hard for them. The CT and EEG were normal. While it is too early to completely rule out schizophrenia, they are fairly optimistic this is a drug induced psychosis. I think the fact that he is starting to remember what happened is a good sign. Part of his master escape plan is for us to “look like a happy, loving family” and “the fact that you guys are here all the time is a good thing – it’s not going unnoticed”. It’s “all about appearances you know”, and as a result we get lots of hugs and “I love you’s”. Which feel good regardless of the motivation or the sincerity behind them. Friday night as we were leaving I gave him a big hug and said “I love you” and then whispered “and that’s not just for appearances”. And he gave me a big, normal looking grin, said “I know” and kissed me on the forehead. I will be pulling that memory out several times a day for the next little while.

 Thank you all for the emails and text messages. I can’t tell you how much it helps to know you are all out there thinking of us. 

 “Pooh!” whispered Piglet.

“Yes, Piglet?” said Pooh.

“Oh nothing,” said Piglet

“I was just making sure of you.”

 Thanks for answering my whispers.