Summer is trying so desperately to push its way past that bully Winter and his soggy sister Spring. My lilacs are finally blooming and a month’s worth of dog poop is steaming in the sun.

I’ve been noticing small changes in myself as well. Not a lessening of the grief (that is an ever present, and as July 30^th looms closer, increasingly greedy companion), but rather a letting go of all the ingrained behavior that resulted from living with Jordan’s disease. Twice this week my cellphone battery fully drained – and I wasn’t filled with panic. I even ventured out on an errand without it clutched tightly in my hand. Now when the house phone rings, I rarely answer – confident that it is just an annoying telemarketer rather than someone calling about Jordan or Jordan calling for help. When I let Niko in from his final pee of the day, I flip the lock on the kitchen door to the deck without a second thought – no longer worried about ensuring Jordan had easy access to the house should he arrive home in the middle of the night keyless and paranoid.

No one lives alone with mental illness. Those who love them have their lives changed forever in subtle and not so subtle ways. We will always carry the emotional scars from Jordan’s illness and his subsequent death – but I have to confess that it is a relief to feel that ever present fear and worry starting to fade away.