The first few weeks of November were very hard. I over extended my schedule, didn’t take time to exercise, or to grieve, and as a result was left feeling vulnerable and constantly close to tears. Which the control freak in me absolutely hated!

It didn’t help that we spent the  afternoon of November 8th with the Chief of Police and two of his superintendents reviewing Jordan’s history with the Saskatoon Police Service. Reading the police reports detailing the circumstances that lead to his being arrested last March was WAY harder than I expected;  every officer who came in contact with him that weekend knew, and documented, that he was obviously very ill and yet he ended up in jail rather than in emergency. Reliving the desperation and fear we experienced during that last psychotic break was so emotionally draining. I realized that if I was going to continue to try and share Jordan’s story, I needed to find a way to build some resilience.

Loyal  followers of this Blog (all 2 of you!) will know I haven’t had much luck when it comes to finding a counsellor. However I am finding it helpful to borrow the advice being given to a friend by her grief counsellor.

As a result, one of the things I have been working on is trying to control when the grief comes. The counsellor’s recommendation was to set aside 20 minutes each day, at the same time each day, and lean into the grief and feel all of the feelings that come. Then thank Jordan for the shared time and let him know that I have to go and do other things.  The therapist said it was important to try to compartmentalize the grief, but not to block it – which is why it is so important to set aside time each day.  If we spend too much time leaning into the grief we deplete our reserves of strength.  And blocking the grief for too long leaves you feeling weepy and vulnerable. She also reinforced that working too much depletes our reserves and doesn’t allow time for positive things (like driving Lucas to school, walking at the pool). Taking more control over my calendar is a work in progress.

Journalling as a coping mechanism is highly recommended by everyone, and they hardly need to sell me on the emotional merits of writing – it’s a tool I have used for years. But there have been many times over the last four years (and especially in the weeks after Jordan’s funeral) where the grief and pain was so profound that writing seemed risky to my emotional well being and I physically could not make myself do it. But lately there has been a little voice in my head urging me to write – telling me that getting it out of my head is the only way to heal my heart.

So I have started with a relatively easy first step –  retrieving some of the emails I have written since Jordan first became ill and dumping them into this blog. You will notice that there are some huge gaps – times when dealing with Jordan’s situation and dealing with life was simply too overwhelming, too painful to share. Going back in time and filling in those gaps is the harder, but necessary, next step. We’ll see how it goes.

“I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul”