Finally – a joyful moment at the Chartier house. Lucas was off to orientation today and seemed quite excited about it. Up and showered and dressed by 0815 – which is a miracle in and of itself. He allowed me to take the annual “first day of school picture in front of the cedar” picture and let me drive him to campus. Hopefully he will get into the groove soon (he is already regretting the anticipated reduction in TV viewing time). I have attached a picture of him reading the orientation manual out loud to us (not kidding – every word!) and proudly wearing Dad’s vintage “bullshit protector” hat. He seems keenly interested in the social activities 🙂 and he and Greg sang the Engineering song (“We are, we are, we are the Engineers. We can, we can, demolish 40 beers”). He sadly reports that the Godiva ride is no more, nor is kidnapping the Agro student president allowed. He was less certain about whether the 40 Beer contest is still permitted and plans to share his Dad’s concrete toboggan exploits at tomorrow’s “war stories” session (he may even wear the hat). Lucas is assuming that all of Greg’s Profs are “probably dead by now”. Greg was not amused 🙂

As for me, I had a less productive day than Lucas did. Returned home from dropping him off at the University and immediately bathed the dog. After a month of swimming in our disgusting lake even Greg (who cannot smell) could not stand him any longer. The scent actually burned your nose. He smells much better but is still very, very unhappy with his mean owners.

We spent the weekend at the cabin. Had some rain and wind on Friday and Saturday, but Sunday and Monday were the hottest days I ever remember experiencing on a September long weekend. It was absolutely fantastic weather. The annual sailing regatta was on which is always fun to watch. Dave let us borrow the pontoon boat for the weekend and I believe Lucas and I have sold Greg on the idea of getting our own. Great for fishing, reading, lying in the sun, letting the waves rock you to sleep, lots of room for Niko to roam around. Lucas especially enjoyed the late night star gazing cruises.

It was very, very difficult to leave the cabin yesterday. It seemed to signal the end of summer and therefore the end of pretending that Jordan was just away or working. The reality of having to adjust to this new life without him was right in our face and in our hearts. To be honest, things seems to be getting harder, not easier. The guilt and regret over the hundred different times we could have intervened or reacted differently and prevented this tragedy is always present and painful.

The counsellor I saw last week (and who was highly recommended) said I was “doing as well as could be expected” and wasn’t sure what she could offer me. Hmmm. Why do I keep provoking this reaction from therapists? I was open and honest about my feelings, my guilt and remorse, cried a lot. I certainly wasn’t Sally the Stoic. Maybe there really isn’t anything anyone can do to help us – we just have to go through it. But I will try someone else and see how that goes. Perhaps a bereavement group might help.

The ambitious plan for this week is to try and regain some sense of normal. Get some groceries. Cook some meals. Clean the bathrooms. Clean up the yard. Get out and see people. Get some exercise. I am hoping the old adage “fake it till you make it” has some truth to it. Small steps. Deep breaths.