The last week seems to have just disappeared in a fog of sadness – I had several really bad days. For the first time in my life I find I can’t even bring myself to write – even responding to Lindsay’s daily text of encouragement seems a challenge some days.

We headed back up to the cabin last Thursday – Greg, Niko and I came home Wed afternoon  leaving Lucas to enjoy the hot tub (and the hot weather) on his own. Greg just headed back up – they will be home tomorrow night so they can do the MHAS Fun Run on Sunday. So far Lucas’s training consists of sleeping till 1pm, eating 40 dollars worth of candy from the Bulk Barn and soaking in the hot tub 4 times a day. I am sure he will do just fine !

There is now a “Team Jordan” that the Chartier’s and others have registered under, and Greg had some shirt thingies made  (not sure what to call it, they are like the numbers they give you to pin on only it is a picture of Jordan) – I will wear mine from the cheering section.

Venturing out in public still feels like navigating a mine field. I tried to sneak into the Co-op today to get more sleeping pills and heard my name shouted across the parking lot – SK (a nurse I have known for years) literally ran across the parking lot and enveloped me in her arms for a giant hug. Once we were done I wiped my face and managed to get to the pharmacy – where D the pharmacist (whose son went to school with Jordan and who has been with me every step of the last five years of medications and treatment regimes) also gave a giant hug. It’s lovely to be so cared for – but exhausting too.

I have been pretty much a hermit. I just felt so miserable that I could not imagine subjecting anyone else to me. Nor did I think I could handle a social encounter. But last week we loaded ourselves into the car to visit some good friends at Waskesiu and found ourselves actually enjoying a supper with them. And then today K dropped by with a care package and an iced coffee and after she left I found myself feeling better. So I am resolved to reach out more and to try and have some human contact (besides the dudes I live with) on a more regular basis.

My next goal is to try and make it in to see my management team – I just couldn’t do it this week – will try again next week. I finally started on the thank you cards yesterday – there are LOTS to write and it was weighing on my mind.

I start counselling on Tuesday – am trying to keep an open mind. Still trying to figure out the correct response to “How are you”. If I say “OK” people know I am lying. If I say “I feel like I will die from grief” people kind of run away. I just read about someone who turned the word “fine” into an acronym for “f…ed up, insecure, neurotic and exhausted”. I am thinking “fine” will be my standard response for awhile.