Sitting on the deck drinking my coffee with Niko and feeling the relief that comes from knowing there is absolutely nothing I have to get done today. Oh don’t get me wrong, there is still a lot to do, but I have rest of my life to get it done.

Things didn’t go quite as planned yesterday – our plan was to just move away from the microphone after we were finished the presentation so that others could come up to speak. But then we were hit by this Tsunami of love and support. It wasn’t our intent to stand separately but just as well we did or we would still be there. We had some of the most profound conversations with people about grief, parenting, love. So many people who talked about their struggle with mental illness and stigma. The one that really hit me was a kid Jordan went to school with who thanked me for talking so openly about bipolar – he was diagnosed a couple of years ago. I put my hand on his chest and said “please take your meds”. His eyes filled with tears and he said “I promise”.

It was only when someone came through the line and asked me if I knew how long I had been standing that I realized it was 7:30. I think I was in line for another hour after that. I feel terrible that I did not get a chance to sit and talk with all of you! We so appreciate everything you have done in the last week – and in the last five years. Our pain was your pain.

The clan partied  right till the liquor license expired at 1130. The boys took over my iTunes and played Jordan’s Wilderness Crew favourites. We danced a little. Talked a lot. It was so wonderful to see Greg with Neil and Bob and Jeff – hugging, crying, laughing. Neal and Kate were to fly out at 8 last night and Greg actually asked Neal to cancel his flight and stay. An unprecedented display of vulnerability.

About 20 of the kids Jordan went to school with left to go eat at Montana’s and then came back at 1000 to drink some beer and share a CD of pictures with us. Lucas and I left at 1100. Greg talked to each of the kids and then he and Dave sat out on our front step till 1:30. Then he came and talked to me till after 4.

I don’t remember much about the presentation – I hope I stayed pretty much on script. Last night I thought of a hundred other things I wish I had said, pictures I should have shared.

I think we will head to the cabin on Friday after Lucas’s exam. And then make a decision about what to do and where to go. You have held me up for every minute of the past week. There are no words. Peace and love.