I don’t think I have ever been so tired and yet so unable to sleep. I am sitting out on the deck in the dark. My poor sweet dog is curled up beside me- he has been so sad and mournful today. We are listening to Jann Arden’s ” Hanging by a Thread” and having a little cry.

I have struggled all afternoon to find a word to describe today’s experience. Wonderful. Horrible. Satisfying. Sad. Final. Cathartic.

Today at the funeral home we said our final goodbyes. Everyone brought a private note to place with Jordan. Someone brought flowers to tuck under his hands. We brought his favourite hat, Niko’s first collar and leash, the letter telling him he made Dean’s list. Letters we had written to him over the years. A picture of Jordan and I taken about an hour after he was born. I borrowed Lindsay’s copy of Robert Munsch’s ” Love You Forever”, read it to him one last time and placed it on his heart.

We then carefully wrapped him in the sheet, placed the lid on the wooden box and nailed it shut.

Everyone was then invited to write and draw messages of love and remembrance on the coffin. We then joined hands and circled him for one final prayer.

And  then the three of us wrapped our arms around each other and cried our  hearts out.

I am so proud of Lucas. He has been there every minute. He helped lift his  brother from the table to the box. He has never left my side. He seems to  have aged 5 years this week.

I think Jordan would have been pleased; a simple wooden box and then into the  flames – just like the Vikings.  It seemed so right to do it this way – comforting somehow. At the end I  knew Jordan wasn’t there anymore – I could not feel his spirit and I felt  a small degree of peace.  I like to imagine that he and Paulette are  sitting by a lake somewhere, having some tea and a long talk.

Tuesday can’t come soon enough