I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you…
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend…
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant world
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you I have been changed for good.

Mom is recovering well from her surgery other than continued pain in the rib area. Her family doctor told her she is not taking enough pain medication and I agree – the muscles and ligament around the ribs are likely stretched and pulled and it can be very painful and take a while to heal. As I know full well after my graceless catastrophe in Ottawa a few years ago.

When I called the intake coordinator at the Cancer Clinic on Monday they thought it would be yet another 3 or 4 weeks before we got in – but we got a call today to see the radiation oncologist (Dr. Kr) next week (Sept 20^th). We will get another date to see the medical oncologist and after both consultations are complete we get to discuss our options. Both Mom and Dad seem to be managing the stress and fear fairly well.

Jordan’s lithium levels are finally at the therapeutic level. He is still feeling depressed, and still self-medicating his depression with herbs, but we can see some positive changes. He just stopped by my desk and smiled and joked with me. I was sitting here trying to remember when I last had a natural conversation with him or when I last saw a real smile transform his beautiful face – was gob smacked to realize it has been at least two, possibly three years. Made me think of Anna Nalick’s song “Breathe”:

 “But, my God, it’s so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I’ll just sing about it.
Cause you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, girls,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe… just breathe”

Lucas appears intent on becoming the next President of Sobey’s. I have begged him to stop bringing home ice cream (FYI its two for one sale again tomorrow). Yesterday he brought home a box of the new Krave cereal from Kellogg’s (chocolate cereal with chocolate centers). Double the sugar of Golden Grahams. Don’t even ask about sodium. Shouldn’t it be against the law to market it as breakfast cereal versus a cookie?

Greg is likely to be heading off to Cairo for a month of consulting work sometime in October. We both want to see Petra so I am hoping I can join him at the end of his contract. Depends what happens with Bahrain contract. And the violence in the Middle East – there is a travel advisory on for Cairo right now thanks to that idiot and his hateful YouTube movie.

 In an effort to keep everyone else from stressing over me, I contacted EFAP and went to see a counsellor on Friday. I truly did not see the need – I do not feel stressed. And on the days that it gets overwhelming I talk to my friends. And I write emails (which the counsellor says is a form of journaling and therapeutic). But I began to wonder if perhaps I was in a fugue state like Walter White on Breaking Bad and that I wasn’t able to see that I was getting ready to fall apart. You never know – best to get a second opinion.

 I confess I didn’t find it that helpful. The counsellor was very nice lady who nodded politely and then handed me a little post it note with a “to do” list on my way out. “Take time for yourself”, “reduce your workload”, “get sleep”. D’uh.

 Afterwards I was very disappointed in myself for not laying out on the couch in her office with my hand on my forehead. How could I have missed the opportunity to live out a cliché? The best part of the session was watching her eyes get bigger and bigger as I listed off the various scenes from the soap opera that is my life. Rapid cycling psychotic child, mother with lung cancer, friend with brain thingy, friend with cancer – twice, kid with undiagnosed learning disorder which put him through his own bout with depression, husband working in foreign countries for months at a time, my crushing workload.

When I list it all out like that it almost makes me hysterical – it is too bizarre to be true.  

Perhaps she diagnosed me as a pathological liar?

 I am good, really. My BP is fine, keeping close eye on blood sugar, limiting my wine to one glass a day. Granted it is a BIG glass of wine…   

 And that’s all that’s new for me. Heading off to the lake tomorrow after a quick meeting at 8:30 so I can enjoy the 28 degree sunshine. The temperature drops quickly after Friday but I don’t mind – I was thinking I might just try and sleep all day Saturday! And breathe…just breathe.