It’s 5 pm here in Penticton. And dare I say it out loud… it’s been a good day.

Thursday ended very badly – with Jordan bolting on me during a pass. He did respond to my hysterical screams and return, and still claims he “was only going for a swim”, but he nearly did me in. So I expected Friday to be hard. And it was. Once he learned we would not be going on pass he was really angry and asked me to leave, but suggested I should probably come back in the evening. And then he went out in the grassy back yard and did yoga to calm down (which I thought was a good strategy). We spent a quiet evening playing solitaire and talking about the fact that he was never going to be released till he started having some honest, truthful conversations with the nursing staff. I reassured him that he did not have to be perfect in order to have us take him home – but he did need to have reached the point where he was talking openly about his feelings and his fears. That he wasn’t at the goddamn spa and no one believed him when he stated “It’s great here. staff are great, food is great, everyone is nice”. That it was perfectly OK to talk about how much he hated being locked up or any weird thoughts he might be having.

I think the meds have finally kicked in. I agreed to try a walk along the creek again this morning (which took more courage than I honestly thought I had in me). And I agreed to consider a second walk if I returned to find that he had had a talk with his nurse. I returned at 2:30 to be greeted by the sight of Jordan in his street clothes, literally twitching with anticipation of a car ride. I was the one who needed a therapeutic session with his nurse before we departed. She said it seemed punitive to continue witholding his clothes, that it was a sign of trust on their part, that it was entirely up to me but she felt he could go for a drive. So off we went after a frank discussion about how anxious I was and what the rules would be. We spent an hour touring the Naramata vinyard area and returned in one piece.

He is talking to the nursing staff. Letting them read his journal. I don’t see any signs of paranoia. I think there is likely still some manipulation and masking going on but I have to confess my hopes are rising.

I am doing OK. I thought I’d be anxious once Greg left, but having only me to worry about has actually reduced my stress level. And I am no longer carrying the burden of worrying about Lucas. I do find I have very little resilience left. It only takes the most insignificant obstacle (like discovering I had no windshield wiper while I was driving in the rain) and the smallest kindness to make the tears flow.

 Everyone here is from Saskatchewan. From the mechanic at G&C Automobile service who fixed the wiper and charged me a whole 5 bucks, to the man on the esplanade yesterday who turned out to be from Saskatoon, who stopped to say he had noticed me in the water for a long time – had I enjoyed my swim? At least 1/3 of the nurses on the unit are from Saskatchewan. I find it hard to believe it is simply coincidence and not some sort of serendipity.

It was hot hot hot here yesterday so I took some time to float in the lake and lounge by the pool. Floating in water is very therapeutic. I am glad I took the time to enjoy the weather as it is cool and rainy today.

 Assuming we continue down this postive path – tommorow’s agenda will likely include a drive to Naramata (to walk in the meditation labrynth) and then we are going to hunker down in front of the big screen TV and cheer the Riders to victory.

 Your phone messages, text messages and emails truly sustain me. I feel your love and support and it helps me put one foot in front of the other. When this is over (or at least this stage of the drama is over) you can all come and christen my new back yard with a couple of pitchers of Beergarita’s. I intend to get shit faced and to finally allow myself a good cry.

 I hope you are all enjoying the weekend.

 Go Riders!