John Lennon was a very smart man. I honestly don’t think I would have found the strength to cope with the last couple of weeks if I hadn’t had this wall of unwavering love and support to hold me up.

Tonight I was sitting in my car, parked by the lake, staring out at the dark Okanagan night  and feeling very sorry for myself  when Karen called. At first I said no, I really appreciate the offer, I’ll be fine on my own, yadda yadda yadda… and then it suddenly dawned on me how truly lucky I was to be loved so much by so many and so I said yes… tell Paulette to come… and then I sat weeping with gratitude.

I am not sure how you repay someone for getting up at the crack of dawn to catch a flight, only to get off the plane and spend another two days in a noisy, smelly, unairconditioned wreck with spotty radio coverage. Not to mention having to spend the time in the company of a woman who is beginning to look more and more like a resident of the psych unit rather than a visitor. But I will think of something. And I know she brings all of you in spirit.

Thank  you all.

 When someone allows you to bear his burdens, you have found deep friendship

Yesterday started off OK. I went in to the hospital in the morning to get the chart sent to Saskatoon (the intake meeting for the EPIP program is next Tuesday), set up a discharge planning meeting for Friday morning, figured we were making progress. Till I got called by Jordan to come back to the hospital – the doctor wanted to see me.

During the interview Jordan (who was very angry that he wasn’t being discharged today, which probably lowered his guard)had  revealed to the doctor that of course they were listening to all the patients – how else did the nurses know about conversations they weren’t part of? And police had come to the unit every day since he had been there. And they tried to make him make a call to Saskatoon just the day before – ask Ron the nurse – he was part of it. And I don’t understand why you are saying it’s not happening mom, you know they are following you, why else would you drive the way you do? When I said I was not being followed, he continued to press the issue – demonstrating the way that cops talk into their cell phones, that’s how you know they are cops. And our house really was raided, just call Adam and tell him Jordan said it was OK to tell the truth. And on and on.

I can live with him not gaining insight into his original delusion. The fact that the paranoia is continuing (although he seems quite matter of fact about it rather than terrified) has me extremely worried and upset. I knew that he wasn’t quite right, that there seemed to be some underlying anxiety going on… but hearing him express it so matter of factly was like a body punch.

I think I slept a whole 2 hours last night.

We are trying a new drug (started last night). I can’t remember the name – it’s another anti psychotic that is supposed to have a better effect on anxiety.

Jordan is being compliant – but not without a huge fight with the doctor about it. He doesn’t understand why they can’t just see how he does with no drug. That he hates the way the drug makes him feel – he can’t even read a book and the restlessness is driving him crazy. 

I think the primary reason we are trying a new drug is that the staff too were concerned about his restlessness – he had to be in perpetual motion. They let him out on pass by himself and I am sure he walked a total of 8 hours on Sunday. If he’s not walking, he’s in the back yard doing push ups and yoga. And eating. And eating. And smoking. And not sleeping well, even with a sleeping pill. What concerned me when I read his diary is that he admitted to getting lost while out on pass and having to ask directions, that he is approaching strangers to talk, and bum cigarettes. When I took him out for supper the other night he just blurted stuff out to the waiter. The content wasn’t inappropriate, just the timing of it. He is still impulsive. I worry for his safety when he is out alone.

I think the hardest moments are when I catch glimpses of my Jordan. He is so kind to the other patients, he is polite and respectful to the staff, everyone tells me what a wonderful young man he is. And every once in a while he throws me one of his beautiful, face changing smiles and I feel like my heart will break.

Jordan is beside himself that he isn’t getting discharged any time soon. They agreed to let him continue passes on his own, but limited them to one hour. He wants to know why he can’t get moved to a Saskatoon hospital. I think that is a very good question. I want to move him as well. He tells me he realizes he would need to go into hospital and he agrees to do so. I am pretty sure he is sincere. The staff here continue to resist that idea, stating he isn’t stable enough. Greg wants him away from Saskatoon as well. The reality is he’s 20 and certified so it’s not my call.

I am flying home on Saturday. I have been out of my office since the end of July and I need to get back to work. I find myself unable to concentrate here and the stress of that is piling up.  I need to see Lucas. I need a break from this drama before I have a heart attack. Greg wants me to drive Jordan’s car home – I said no. First of all, its a piece of shit. But more importantly that would be 2 days lost – not spent with Jordan, and not spent at home. I’m not sure when Greg is coming back or how he is getting here. He is talking about bringing my vehicle so he can bring some bikes. It is very likely I will need to find the strength to get on a plane and leave Jordan here alone.

I feel so sad and worn out today. I am beyond tears. I know you will want to pick up the phone and call me – but I really need a break from talking about it – can you give me a day of trying to pretend nothing is wrong?

It’s 5 pm here in Penticton. And dare I say it out loud… it’s been a good day.

Thursday ended very badly – with Jordan bolting on me during a pass. He did respond to my hysterical screams and return, and still claims he “was only going for a swim”, but he nearly did me in. So I expected Friday to be hard. And it was. Once he learned we would not be going on pass he was really angry and asked me to leave, but suggested I should probably come back in the evening. And then he went out in the grassy back yard and did yoga to calm down (which I thought was a good strategy). We spent a quiet evening playing solitaire and talking about the fact that he was never going to be released till he started having some honest, truthful conversations with the nursing staff. I reassured him that he did not have to be perfect in order to have us take him home – but he did need to have reached the point where he was talking openly about his feelings and his fears. That he wasn’t at the goddamn spa and no one believed him when he stated “It’s great here. staff are great, food is great, everyone is nice”. That it was perfectly OK to talk about how much he hated being locked up or any weird thoughts he might be having.

I think the meds have finally kicked in. I agreed to try a walk along the creek again this morning (which took more courage than I honestly thought I had in me). And I agreed to consider a second walk if I returned to find that he had had a talk with his nurse. I returned at 2:30 to be greeted by the sight of Jordan in his street clothes, literally twitching with anticipation of a car ride. I was the one who needed a therapeutic session with his nurse before we departed. She said it seemed punitive to continue witholding his clothes, that it was a sign of trust on their part, that it was entirely up to me but she felt he could go for a drive. So off we went after a frank discussion about how anxious I was and what the rules would be. We spent an hour touring the Naramata vinyard area and returned in one piece.

He is talking to the nursing staff. Letting them read his journal. I don’t see any signs of paranoia. I think there is likely still some manipulation and masking going on but I have to confess my hopes are rising.

I am doing OK. I thought I’d be anxious once Greg left, but having only me to worry about has actually reduced my stress level. And I am no longer carrying the burden of worrying about Lucas. I do find I have very little resilience left. It only takes the most insignificant obstacle (like discovering I had no windshield wiper while I was driving in the rain) and the smallest kindness to make the tears flow.

 Everyone here is from Saskatchewan. From the mechanic at G&C Automobile service who fixed the wiper and charged me a whole 5 bucks, to the man on the esplanade yesterday who turned out to be from Saskatoon, who stopped to say he had noticed me in the water for a long time – had I enjoyed my swim? At least 1/3 of the nurses on the unit are from Saskatchewan. I find it hard to believe it is simply coincidence and not some sort of serendipity.

It was hot hot hot here yesterday so I took some time to float in the lake and lounge by the pool. Floating in water is very therapeutic. I am glad I took the time to enjoy the weather as it is cool and rainy today.

 Assuming we continue down this postive path – tommorow’s agenda will likely include a drive to Naramata (to walk in the meditation labrynth) and then we are going to hunker down in front of the big screen TV and cheer the Riders to victory.

 Your phone messages, text messages and emails truly sustain me. I feel your love and support and it helps me put one foot in front of the other. When this is over (or at least this stage of the drama is over) you can all come and christen my new back yard with a couple of pitchers of Beergarita’s. I intend to get shit faced and to finally allow myself a good cry.

 I hope you are all enjoying the weekend.

 Go Riders!

My kid ran on me last night.

We have been taking thirty minute walks outside the hospital. I agreed to try an hour and to take him for a drive. We walked on the beach of Skaha Lake and he seemed OK. Then he started to get a little agitated, said “I am going to walk over there” and took off quickly. Me hobbling in pursuit. He darted into a private yard and was gone. It took me maybe 90 seconds to spot him – stripped down to his pajama bottoms and walking off into the sunset. The deck of the house ended right in the water, tree roots to climb over etc. I just kept screaming his name and begging him to stop. I think I may have screamed that he needed to stop – he was giving me a heart attack (which wasn’t far from the truth). And thanks to God or Allah or the patron saint of the insane and mothers, he stopped and came back. Was very angry with me. Wasn’t trying to run. Just wanted to go for a swim. I guess I should be grateful he was with it enough to respond to my voice and to get into the car and return to the hospital.

Jesus Fucking Christ. The terror I felt during those few minutes where I couldn’t find him.

I told the staff when we got back, so no more passes. Greg was good about it but I know he thinks this wouldn’t have happened if he had been there.

Yet another psychiatrist today. Honestly, he is getting no treatment what so ever other than Respiradol twice a day and being kept secure. He’s not even talking to me now. All he does all day is smoke and hang out with all the other crazy people. I am going to push hard for a medical transport back to Saskatoon today. Maybe his health plan covers it.

I am OK. Slept better than I expected to after the “incident”.

The subject line is for my benefit. Each day now I take a piece of paper and write “Today’s date is ….” and then follow it with an extremely detailed to do list…

Check out of hotel. Make sure you pay.

Brush your teeth.

Make sure clothes are clean.

Jordan isn’t the only one having trouble with short term memory.

I hear it’s supposed to get to 31 today in Saskatoon. Figures… the kids are back at school. We are finally getting a break from the heat here, woke up to cool breezes and cloudy skies. Thank goodness. Spent yesterday in Jordan’s unairconditioned vehicle, loading it, unloading it, groceries, running errands. I was a sopping wet, red faced rag by the end of the day. I do like driving stick again though – you can get rid of a lot of aggression shifting gears and revving the engine.

Jordan got three 30 minute passes yesterday. There is a walking path alongside a creek right beside the hospital, so that’s where we headed. Right in the heat of the midday sun.

 I took in his Mac laptop and my iPod last evening and he very happily deleted all my “crap top 40” music and moved 2,000 of his favorite songs on to it instead. He spent an hour and a half working on it; playing me songs, talking about the Regina Folk Festival. It was the most “normal” he has looked and sounded in a long time. Of course he still has to throw in a few zingers to keep life interesting (a lady in a pink bathrobe who was desperately trying to escape from the unit is actually an undercover cop trying to get out with the evidence). It is so bizarre.

I am now a resident of the Tiki Shores motel. Bedroom, bathroom, kitchenette. Right on Lakeshore Drive so I can see the lake and feel the breezes. My cell phone doesn’t seem to work that well in the room (I am sure Jordan would have an excellent explanation for that) so if you need me, try the land line.

Greg called the minute he got home – full of regrets about leaving Penticton. I am hoping a couple of hot days at the cabin in the company of Lucas will re-energize him.

 Talk to you soon.

I am not sure where the time goes. It certainly doesn’t feel like we are accomplishing anything yet time disapears. I cannot believe it is September.

 Just watched Greg drive off in the rental car – back to Kelowna and a flight home. In the end we never really did discuss who would go, Greg just started talking about going home. And he needs to. It has been a VERY long week for him – he was the one who got here first, dealt with the RCMP, dealt with the impound lot and Jordan’s car, and saw our son at his scariest crazy self in emergency. He is exhausted and almost incoherent (I made the mistake of pointing that out yesterday – yikes).

 It was very hard for him to leave. I think his biggest fear is that I won’t be brave enough to take Jordan out on pass and that will make things worse for Jordan.

 We finally met with the regular psychiatrist yesterday (Tuesday) morning at 0730. One psychiatrist for the entire region. He was still there admitting patients at 9 PM last night – poor man. He didn’t actually see Jordan till about 6 pm last night. He bumped the Respiradol up to 2 mg which should tell you all you need to know about our lack of progress.

Greg spent Monday with the RCMP – getting to meet Constable McKinnon who was the officer who transported Jordan to hospital. He was able to give Greg more information on where they found Jordan (and where his stuff might be). He actually called the search dogs out – saying they always need practice – to help look. Still no luck though. Greg is distraught as we have had two nights of rain now. He knows that a skateboard and iPod is just stuff – but I think he thought if he found it it would be a sign that everything would be OK. Turns out the area we were searching in the other day is full of rattlesnakes, black widow spiders and poison ivy. Greg is lucky to have come out of his bush walk unscathed!

It’s another beautiful sunny day here. When it all gets to be too much for me I just go and float in the pool or sit by the lake and pretend I am on holidays. It helps a little.  

Today is moving day. My sister found us a one bedroom kitchenette at the Tiki Shores Beach Resort for $650 for the month. Even if we aren’t here a month it is still a deal – we figure it will have paid for itself after the first 6 nights.  I have a jam packed day here in lovely Penticton. Canadian Tire at 0900 to put two new tires on Jordan’s car (I have had to learn how to drive a stick again). Then to a drugstore to get my prescriptions refilled. Then check out of Days Inn, visit Jordan, get groceries, check in to Tiki Shores, visit Jordan… hmmmm no wonder the days disappear.

I am hoping to be able to get into a routine tommorow of working in the morning and visiting Jordan in the afternoon (the longest part of the day for him). Back to the motel for a walk or swim and than return  to visit him in the evening. So far he wants us there all the time so we are trying to find a good balance.

Jordan has good days and bad days. Yesterday was a bad one, really anxious and agitated.  Greg agreed to take him outside for a walk for 30 minutes (there is a creek and walking path along the hospital property). They ended up staying out for an hour but he had no problems coming back in. And Jordan did seem better when they came back.

The staff remain optimistic and say that this roller coaster is to be expected. I fully expect that as his brain function improves and he starts to remember things he is going to be very distraugh. And as the reality of his situation sinks in (i.e. he is going to need months of follow up) in terms of school and travel plans he is likely going to get depressed. I just want to time travel to last September and redo the whole year.